BRETT PIPER’S “BITE ME!”17 Apr 2020
As we all know, I love movies with ringede. Oversize those bugs, add some serious “B” cheese, and I am one happy camper in the land of Camp! You can imagine my joy then, when I stumbled across “Bite Me” - a tasty little B gem of a movie featuring bio-engineered pot, strippers, and mutated ticks (or maybe hairless spiders) that everyone keeps referring to as tarantulas (they are not tarantulas!)
Brett Piper’s “Bite Me!” starts out with a couple of really dumb seedy dope dealers who manage to burn themselves up in a blaze of un-glory because the dope they are selling also seems to be carrying some really plasticy cheesy, over-sized mutated ticks tarantulas spiders who try to get fresh with one of them. Soon after, the remaining pot (and giant bugs hidden within) ends up in the basement of a stripper-challenged failing strip club known as the “Go-Go Saurus” (fully equipped with a Godzilla-type statue guarding the entrance) where three pretty pitiful strippers do a pretty poor job of stripping:
Exhausted Stripper Crystal (Misty Mundae), who sleepwalks her way through her routine onstage because she usually does six shows a night. Near-sighted Stripper Trix (Erika Smith), who keeps bumping into things (and actually falls off the stage) without her eyeglasses. Pothead stripper Amber (Caitlan Ross), who is so stoned that she actually passes out and snores during one of her stripteases. Fret not though, as with all good B-movie gems, “Bite Me!” delivers more than it’s share of gratuitous boob shots, and actually offers up a full frontal shot of one of the graceful strippers. Score!
So anyway, stripper Amber soon finds the weed hidden in the basement with her amazing pot smelling abilities (she actually sniffs the air like a frickin’ bloodhound) and lets loose the giant ticks spiders trapped inside. Before you can say “bite me” those bloodsuckers are running rampant through the club, biting and sucking on anyone who gets in their way.
The cast and mayhem is rounded out with the seedy club owner who needs to buy off a sexually frustrated female mafia type or lose his club forever; a extremely goofy exterminator who would rather save a bug spider rather than kill it; and an overly confident DEA agent, all of whom make this totally lame B-movie amusingly great. The bugs are ridiculous, the acting not much better, and the dialogue absolutely silly. Using almost every B-move known to awful low budget movies, this one has very little substance and a whole bunch of cheesy comedy horror fun. In its totality, “Bite Me!” is a must for any fan of awful cinema.
All in all, I give Brett Piper’s “Bite Me!” 5 out of 8 giant spider legs. I can’t wait to check out his other stuff!